Are you feeling blocked and unable to move forward?
Is the stress or busyness of your life causing you to feel overwhelmed?
Are you repeating the same mistakes over and over again?
Whatever your situation, you are not alone!

Do you have a Query for the Coach? I am always delighted to have the opportunity to address your personal concerns and offer coaching insight. By posting questions and responses on this page, and in the monthly newsletter, others will also benefit from the chance to reflect on and relate to the issues raised. Your identity will remain confidential. Your query can be emailed to me at sharon@btglifecoaching.com
~~Sharon Vandegrift

February 14th:

Dear Sharon,

I just graduated from seminary last year and I am enjoying parish life. My New Year’s resolution was to work harder on my sermons. But there is so much important ministry to do that I find myself setting aside sermon preparation until Saturday night. It keeps happening. I feel very guilty about this and I really want to change it. But, every time I sit down and try to focus, I am interrupted by a phone call, or a church member stops by the office. Being available to my people is very important to me, and I am not willing to just shut my office door or ignore the phone. I do want to be a better preacher and know I have to do something different. But, whenever I try, it doesn’t work because I am not willing to turn away the people who need me. Can I have it all?

I laud your desire to ‘be a better preacher’ as well as to be ‘available to your people’.  Yet it is clear that your deep yearning to be a good pastor has gotten in the way of your ability to discern priorities for your weekly schedule as well as to set appropriate boundaries in regard to your availability. Though these are two different issues, the core problem is the same. You are not focusing your time or your energy with intention.

More purposeful scheduling is not just an important way for you to keep a sense of personal balance. It signals to your congregation that you value this ministry to which you were called. If you believe that the quality of your weekly sermon has spiritual impact on your congregation, then you are doing them a disservice by not setting aside adequate preparation time. Perhaps the church office is not the best place for you to do this. It would be useful for you to consider where you might be able to work, in an uninterrupted way. Then, you can choose a designated period of time during the week that you can commit to spending on ‘working harder on your sermons’.  At first, this practice may take significant discipline. But if you can own it as something that really matters, and stick with it, it will become a helpful habit that enriches your preaching ministry. This would be is a weekly gift to the congregation.

I fully understand that you are not willing to ‘turn away the people who need you’. I would not suggest that. But being accessible does not mean that you must be available at the very moment when someone stops by the office or calls on the phone. Rather, it is actually a sign of deep commitment when you set aside a specific time to extend pastoral care. I strongly encourage you to begin setting appointments with those in need. It is a professional way to let your parishioners know that meeting with them really matters and warrants more attention than what you can offer in an informal chat when they initially stop by the office or call on the phone. However, you also may choose to have designated, open office hours for those who prefer to stop by informally.

You clearly enjoy your ministry in this parish. Adjusting your professional habits now will make it sustainable for the future. Make the commitment to be intentional and purposeful…and continue to delight in the goodness of your vocational journey!

November 12th:

Dear Sharon,
My husband is not attending my church. When we were appointed here 2 years ago he came to worship every Sunday and got involved in the Adult Sunday School class. I am the first woman pastor this church has ever had, and the people were happy to have the ‘pastor’s husband’ be active with the congregation. But now he says he doesn’t like all of the attention he gets as the pastor’s husband and he prefers attending a larger church of a different denomination in a neighboring town where he isn’t identified as being my husband. He says he gets more out of it that way. I understand his point, but I am sad and kind of embarrassed that he doesn’t want to be part of my church. At first I made excuses for him when he didn’t come. Now that is more difficult and people are starting to wonder what is going on. How can I tell them that he is going to a different church now without hurting their feelings?

Clergy spouses will tell you that being the pastor’s husband or wife is complicated business. People navigate that complexity in a variety of ways. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to live into it, so it is up to each couple to find a balance that works for them. But that is not easy! The process is multi-layered, and you may find that a marriage counselor can be very useful in helping the two of you to sort out and articulate your needs and desires as you design a sustainable model that will support and honor your relationship through many years of marriage and ministry.

My challenge to you in terms of your professional leadership is to find a way to fully embrace that you are the pastor of this church regardless of your husband’s involvement. Though you clearly anticipated your ministry work to be more of a partnership with him than you are presently experiencing, the fact remains: you are the pastor. You are the one who was ordained for this work and was appointed by the Bishop to lead this congregation. He is not. Owning that reality may help you to be more authentic and confident in responding to any concerns raised by members of the congregation regarding your husband’s absence from church activities.

Consider these reflection questions:

• What are the unique gifts and graces that you bring to ministry?
• How has your call been affirmed by the community?
• How might your husband be fully supportive of your ministry even if he is not active in your church?

October 9th:

Dear Sharon,
I am tired of feeling like I am banging my head up against a wall! Back in May we decided to look at hiring a Children and Youth Ministry Director in the fall. I was excited that my church was finally making an effort to minister to the young people. But, we had a Leadership Team meeting early in September and we hardly talked about it at all. They just decided that we don’t have the money for anything new and then we moved onto the next agenda item (which, was the stupid flea market that they have had every year since the beginning of time!) I left feeling disappointed but prayed about it a lot and decided to address it in my sermons and make sure that it was really an agenda item for October. At last week’s meeting it happened again! This time someone told me I was irresponsible for even thinking that we could consider adding to our budget. I am furious because I don’t think they were ever serious about the young people’s ministry at all. And, obviously my leadership is not being taken seriously. I have been here for 8 years and I think I may have brought them as far as I can. I guess it is time to start the search process for another church. What do you think?

Whoa! You are angry. You seem to be feeling like you were duped into thinking that the church leaders shared your desire for hiring a Children and Youth Ministry Director. I understand that you are frustrated that the leaders seem to be moving ahead with business as usual, and you are disappointed that they seem to be ignoring the need for young people’s ministry even though you have focused significant spiritual energy on supporting this cause that is dear to your heart. That hurts!

It certainly may be time for you to consider moving on. BUT, making a vocational decision based on feelings of pain and betrayal is never a good idea. It seems that at least two issues need to be sorted out before you can begin to focus on searching for another position.

First, the underlying assumption you are making is that because the church leaders are not interested in hiring a Children and Youth Ministry Director, they are not serious about young people’s ministry. It would be worth finding out if they are harboring concerns about growing this ministry because it would affect their present life as a church, or, if are they simply paralyzed by financial constraints. (It is probably a bit of both). You will need to help create a non-judgmental environment for the truth to emerge. It is possible that they may be interested in creative imagining around ways to address this area of ministry with minimal financial commitment. Or, if they are truly honest, they may be too tired and worn out to engage in anything new. One way or another, the healthiest thing is for them to own what they really want…and for you to hear from them what is going on. Again, you will need to find a way to be non-judgmental in this process.

The second issue is related to your own professional decision making. If you truly feel that you have ‘brought them as far as you can’, then it may be wise to begin the search process. It may not support your heartfelt desire to be making a difference, or the congregation’s future health, for you to continue to lead them. HOWEVER…. I encourage you to seriously explore your feelings and attempt to be completely honest with yourself. If you are more interested in leaving them out of frustration and disappointment rather than moving on so as to offer your gifts and graces in a fresh way in a new setting, you will want to process through your emotions. Searching for a call to another faith community while you are feeling angry with your present congregation is not fair to anyone. And, with that as the backdrop, it will be difficult to have the clarity you need to effectively discern a new call.

Here are a few coaching questions that may be helpful:

· Envision yourself leading a new congregation.

· How is it different from where you are now?

· Does your initial reaction to the above question lead you to think about what it may be like…or does your mind quickly go to what it is NOT like?

· What are the unique gifts and graces you bring to ministry?

· When you consider the above question, what is the season of life a congregation should be in to make the most of your special skills?

July 17th:

Dear Sharon,
After having served the same church for over 10 years, I recently made the move to a new appointment. I am excited to be here and the people are saying that they are very eager to hear my new ideas. But I am afraid of making changes too fast. When I was in seminary, I remember my practical theology professor telling us that we should just listen to the congregation and we shouldn’t make any changes in the first year. But, even though that makes sense to me, I feel like I will disappoint my new congregation if I just listen but don’t act this first year. What do you think?

It is wonderful that you are being welcomed by your new congregation with such openness and enthusiasm for your leadership. I hope you can fully delight in this energizing and inspiring experience!

It is my sense that the value of your professor’s admonition is not in suggesting a specific time line for making changes as much as it is meant to emphasize the importance of listening and getting to know the culture of the congregation. Exploring the issues and challenges as they are seen, interpreted, and prioritized by the people will be essential to your long-term ability to be a change agent for them as they move into the future. Pay serious attention not only to the words of the people but to the dynamics of the congregation as you are getting to know them. Also, be careful to be attentive to many different individuals and groups. It is not unusual for a small group of dedicated parishioners to present their perspective as the position of the whole group when that may not be the case at all. Acting too soon on that kind of faulty information can get a new pastor in trouble very quickly!

HOWEVER, listening and paying attention does not preclude the possibility of making some changes early on. Sometimes a congregation has been on the verge of change for a long time and they have just been waiting for new leadership to initiate it. When you sense that this is the case, go for it! Leading change in a way for which they have been yearning will lay a positive foundation for the overall effectiveness of your ministry.

It is also important to note that there are likely to be a few smaller changes that you need to make early on for your own sense of rhythm and balance in the new appointment. I would urge you not to hesitate in making those kinds of changes right away. But, be sure to provide a thorough explanation to the congregation regarding your reasons for making changes. In leading a congregation to navigate new ways of doing things, communication is always key!

Here are a few coaching questions that may help you navigate these early months of serving a new church:

*How might you create safe space for congregational sharing and listening?
*What are the common themes that are rising to the top of the priority list?
*Has the congregation previously explored ways to address the identified challenges?
*How will you communicate any changes that are made early on?

May 3rd:

Dear Sharon,
My church has spent most of the past year in a strategic planning process. We spent money on a consultant and spent hours collecting information, sharing ideas and figuring out a plan that makes sense for our church. We tried to involve the whole congregation. There were quite a few meetings where people were in disagreement. But finally, last month, the Planning Team presented the plan for approval at a pot-luck supper. It was well attended and people seemed excited to hear about the results and to know that we have a plan for the future. But now that we have completed the strategic plan, I am having trouble getting people motivated to make sure it gets implemented. I know that they are feeling tired after all of the time and energy that we spent on the process, and I want them to feel like they accomplished something important. But, I am afraid if I just let it go for a while, nothing will come of all of our work. It is a big, comprehensive plan for change, and I am not sure what to do next. I am worried that the plan will eventually end up on a shelf covered in dust!

Firstly, let me say congratulations to you and your congregation for engaging in a difficult process. They have worked hard at laying the groundwork for renewed vitality in their church. That should be celebrated! The process was very valuable. But, of course, as you suggest, it won’t mean much in the long run if the plan ‘ends up on a shelf covered in dust.’

Sadly, it is not unusual for congregations to invest their time, energy and money into a strategic planning process, only to celebrate the final report itself as the crowning achievement. This is especially true when the planning process was complicated and involved congregational conflict; the time span was relatively long; and the plan includes comprehensive change. As you suggest, it is obvious that having a plan in hand is important, but in and of itself, it is not what will move the congregation forward.

You are certainly raising the right questions. Essentially you seem to be asking: ‘Now that we have a plan, how do we move forward?’ It also sounds like you are wondering: ‘How hard should I push my church leaders who have been working so diligently for the past year?’, as well as ‘What is my role as the pastor in the implementation stage?’

It sounds like you may need to be the one to take the lead and kick-start the next stage…that stage when the plan is used to design and live into specific change that transforms the present reality.

It will be helpful to identify one, small, clearly identifiable piece of the plan that can be instituted with limited laity involvement. And then… just make it happen. The goal is for the congregation to experience a quick, visible success that will signal the reality that approved changes are really coming. Let me be clear that I am not suggesting that the work of implementing change is now in your lap and your lay leadership can relax. However, I am suggesting that it may be up to you to take the initiative and, through that initiative communicate that now is the time for implementation of the approved strategic plan. They have laid the groundwork, but as their pastoral leader, you can choose to be the change agent.

Here are a few questions that might help you to focus your energy and get going:

*What small piece of the approved plan are you ready to take on?
*What is the timeline within which you will institute the change?
*How will you communicate the change to the congregation?

Once you have kick started this new stage of your congregation’s life:

*How might you quickly recruit energized lay leadership, (perhaps some folks who were not part of the original leadership team), to engage in fully embracing the approved plan and making it a reality?

March 17th:

Dear Sharon,
After 2 successful years at a small, rural church, I have just learned that I will be moving in June to be the pastor at a much larger, suburban church. I didn’t ask or expect to be leaving this year. I am pretty excited and sort of scared. But right now, I am afraid of the reaction of my congregation when I tell them. Things have been going well and they often tell me I am the best minister they ever had. I feel bad that I am leaving them, but at the same time I am really psyched about my new appointment. What is the best way for me to help them say good-bye and also let them know that I really believe God will take care of them?

Congratulations on 2 years of successful ministry. It seems like you are able to accept that being presented with this new challenge is affirmation of your competence as a pastor. That is worth celebrating. I am delighted to hear that you are ‘really psyched’ about the upcoming opportunity, while owning your sadness and concern over leaving your present congregation.

As you prepare to announce the news of your leaving in an honest and authentic way, pay attention to the facts of the situation as well as the feelings. You noted that church members often tell you that you are ‘the best minister they have ever had’. What does that mean? …To them?…To you?

You will need to process the grief…yours and theirs. Be clear and honest with them. Own the complexity of your feelings: your sorrow in leaving as well as your joyful anticipation about what awaits. Be careful not to deny the depth of their anxiety about the future by simply telling them that ‘God will take care of them’. Though I know you truly believe that, it will sound like an empty platitude if it is offered too quickly as an easy salve for their concerns. Give space and time for folks to talk about it. Let them articulate the sadness while you also own the reality that this stage of your journey is ending. Then, when the time feels right, begin to give the congregation the permission and freedom to get excited about the new leadership that will be coming.

Here are a few coaching questions that the congregation might be helpful:

*How might you describe the past 2 years of ministry at our church?

*What were the best things that happened? / What were the disappointments?

*How has the pastor impacted our lives and ministry?

*How can these past 2 years be honored as a gift that opens up exciting possibility in the new opportunities that await?

*If we keep moving forward as we have been, what will our church be like 5 years from now?

*What do we most want to tell our pastor as she moves on?

February 20th:

Dear Sharon,
I know this sounds strange, but I am feeling envious of the pastor of a small, struggling church down the street from my large, program centered church. I go to our monthly Community Ministerium breakfasts and hear him talk about the challenges he is facing, and I yearn for that kind of pastoral work again. While I can count on at least 300 people in worship every Sunday, he is praying for at least 20. While my lay leadership is praying about how to spend a half- million dollar bequest, his congregation is taking an extra offering to pay his small salary. Early in my career I served a struggling congregation, and I know that I was frustrated most of the time. Back then, all I wanted was to have the privilege of being in a place that didn’t have to worry about finances and could just be in ministry. But now that I am in that setting, I guess I miss the constant stream of challenges that came with being pastor in a difficult setting. Should I be considering a move back to a missional church? What kinds of questions should I be asking myself? (By the way, my husband thinks I am nuts to even consider this!). Help!

Firstly, let me say that I am impressed with the self awareness and personal honesty you are bringing to this dilemma. It is definitely worth exploring as you discern the types of ministry settings you may choose to consider in the future.

In your description I hear both a desire to be in a challenging ministry setting, as well as sentimentality about your past experiences. These two things seems to be tangled up together as you are pondering your present yearnings. It will be helpful to sort them out.

Here few questions that that may help you get some clarity as you design a path forward toward your goal of engaging in satisfying ministry.

When you listen to the ‘pastor down the street’, what part of his story of struggle is most compelling to you?

You sound somewhat discontented with your present position. What is that about?

What would you identify as your most significant gifts for professional ministry? Are they being utilized? How might they be activated in a new way?

Can you identify any significant new challenges that your present congregation might be ready to embrace under your leadership?

What do you REALLY want?

January 12th:

Dear Sharon,
How do I know if it is time to leave my present church? I have been the pastor here for 15 years, and I am starting to think that the time has come. Things are basically going well, but I have lost the enthusiasm I once had. I have had a fruitful ministry here, but lately I feel like I am hitting a wall. It is almost like there isn’t much more for me to do here. But, when I think of leaving, (and as I wrote this email!) I get a knot in my stomach because this congregation has become like family to me and I can’t imagine saying ‘good-bye’. My husband is on the verge of retiring right now, so this would be a good time for me to be relocating. I have about 10 more years before I retire, so I could serve another church for a significant period of time. I just don’t want to make a mistake that I will regret. I have been praying about it a lot. What do you think?

The issue of timing a pastoral transition is complex and there is no simple litmus test that will tell you whether it is time to go or time to stay. When the issue arises, most struggle with mixed emotions over the options. Probably the most significant element in the decision making process is that you be completely honest with yourself. If you are only staying because you ‘don’t want to leave these people because they are like family’, you may be short selling the congregation by staying. Chances are that the congregation needs (and deserves) a pastor who is fully engaged and enthusiastic about the future of the church, not another member of the family. However, a long term pastorate can be very beneficial to the stability of a congregation, and the impact of remaining should not be underestimated.

Here are a few questions to ponder that may help you get some clarity about staying or leaving.

Have you accomplished what you believe you had hoped to accomplish at the present church?

When you ponder your options in terms of a new ministry position do you experience enthusiasm and excitement?

How might the congregation benefit from your continued leadership?

How might the congregation benefit from the gifts and strengths new leadership might bring?

What do you REALLY want to do? Why?

December 13^th:

I am part of a very dysfunctional church staff. I am one of the Associate Pastors, and have been at this church for 15 years. I love this special ministry, and I am very close to the congregation. But, being on the staff has become very stressful. The Musicians fight with the Senior Pastor and the Christian Education Director seems to hate the Youth Director and recently the Business Manager quit because he was insulted by a member of the Office Staff. The worst part is that everyone confides in me and expects me to side with them. Every since I started work here there has always been some kind of problem, but it has never been like this before. The church leaders know that it is getting bad and are trying to decide how to help us. But right now, I am having trouble getting my work done because there is always something difficult going on between people and I end up talking to them and calming them down and trying to make peace. I keep getting stuck in the middle of things and my stomach is always in knots. I really don’t want to turn in my resignation. Help!

Oh my! As you stated in your first sentence, you are part of a dysfunctional staff system. Clearly it is time for some serious intervention. I am glad to hear that the church leadership realizes how toxic things have become and they are ready to bring in help. There are many Consultants who specialize in working with situations like this and they can be very effective in leading a staff toward resolution and healing.

In the meantime, let’s explore how you might be able to manage your situation in a way that helps you to feel less caught up in the dysfunction. Recognizing that group dynamics are dependent on the participation of each member of the group, it is essential for you to face into your role in this troubled group system. Then, you can begin to shift yourself into a new mode of being and acting, even while remaining in the midst of the staff.

You mention that part of your stress is coming from your active involvement in trying to ‘calm them down’ and ‘make peace’. Perhaps this is an area where you can adjust your own behavior. Below are a few coaching questions for you to ponder as you strive toward making new choices that will support your own sense of peace as well as encourage a greater sense of well being for the group.

How might you express your concern for your colleagues without getting caught up in the expectation to ‘side’ with anyone?

How might you boundary your conversations with staff members so as to you avoid feeling caught in the middle?

Is there a phrase that you can practice and be prepared to use when you find yourself in this situation?

November 14^th:

Dear Sharon,

I am the pastor of 2 small churches in a very rural area. I have been here for 3 years now and things are pretty good. Worship attendance is up at both churches and one church is now starting a program for teenagers. I think both congregations like me and I really like being here. The problem is that I am starting to feel pulled apart …almost like the two churches are competing for my attention. They are on either sides of a mountain, so combining our ministry is very difficult, and every time I have tried to bring them together to talk, it is not very successful. I care about both churches and I like pastoring them both, but serving in two different places has left me drained and stressed out and feeling like I can’t make everyone happy. Help!

The way you refer to your churches and the difficult issues that are causing you to feel ‘drained and stressed out’ make it very clear that you are a great gift and treasure to these congregations. They are clearly blessed to have such a dedicated and caring pastor who wants to serve to the utmost of her ability. You also name two significant insights: 1) It is probably very true that they are trying to compete for your attention. They like you and the leadership you provide and they want as much of it as they can get. 2) You can’t make everyone happy.

It is important that you embrace the fact that ONLY YOU are in charge of the ways you balance your time and energy. The members of each of these congregations are not going to set boundaries for you. That is not their job. You are the leader. Beyond the regularly scheduled weekly commitments, you will need to find a concrete and clear way to identify and communicate your anticipated schedule.  But more essentially, it will be helpful for you to do the hard work of nurturing a sense of inner confidence and trust in yourself. Your ability to navigate the ministry needs of these two congregations with grace and effectiveness is clear. When you own that fully, and work from that positive mindset, you will be setting the tone for your churches as they seek a sense of confidence in their own ability to balance and share their resources.

But no matter what you do, you will not make everyone happy. If that is your goal, you might as well give up now! But, you can be very influential in helping these congregations grow and thrive in their love and experience of God, others and themselves….and that is really what you want … isn’t it?

So, decide what really matters to you and take charge of your schedule and your mindset. These can be powerful ways to clear the path for the movement of the Holy Spirit!